The positive side of divorce is rebirth! You get to start over, and as scary as it sounds when it first happens, you can have a much better life if you allow yourself to. When my divorce happened, I thought everything was over. My husband had just reached top pay in his job, which we had been waiting six years for. Top pay meant we were finally okay, I did not have to work as much, and things were about to get more comfortable for us financially. Which I thought meant our marriage would get better, without all the stress. Well, two weeks after he hit top pay, our marriage fell apart in one night; after years of fighting for it, one night is all it took.
As part of our series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce Or Breakup” I had the pleasure of interviewing Danielle Ingenito.
Danielle Ingenito, The Expert in Healing After Toxic Relationships helps women turn their pain into power.
She is the creator of the Let it Go Method™ which is a step-by-step process of helping women awaken their true self worth & let go of the constant feeling of needing validation from other people.
Danielle is a Certified Intuitive Reiki Master, Psychic, Medium & Life Coach and has helped thousands of women take their power back in her challenges and transformational programs.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about how you grew up?
I grew up in a divorced family. My mother and father divorced when I was about 7 years old. I would go with my father every other weekend, until I was about 9 or 10 years old. Then one day a disagreement between my mother & father broke out and I did not talk to my Dad until I was in college. I was completely heart broken and confused, so I distracted myself by focusing on my studies. I was incredibly angry, I didn’t understand why my dad wasn’t around, and I wanted to prove that I didn’t need him in my life. I was going to succeed without him. I was very driven, and even got a 4.0 GPA in college. I had lived with my stepfather since I was 8 years old but didn’t have the best relationship. The lack of loving relationships from men in my life, led me to my devastating divorce.
Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I would never have thought I would be helping women heal themselves after toxic relationships, I was a CPA prior to this. I had my own accounting business for 10 years. During that time I was married and had 2 kids. Although I looked happy to everyone else, I was miserable, numb and felt very alone. I kept trying to make my marriage better, I went to therapy, tried eating healthier, exercising, but it just seemed as thought nothing was working. I realized that I could not do it all alone, and my husband at the time wasn’t taking accountability to try to help make our marriage better either. One night our marriage took a devastating turn for the worst, and he was with someone else within a week. This literally broke me, and I started a downward spiral of trying to numb the pain. Until the Solar Eclipse of 2017, where I heard “whatever your doing now, will last for the next 7 years.” That day I made the decision that I had to help myself and do better for my children. I broke things off with a toxic guy that I had been seeing, stopped drinking, and started watching a lot of YouTube videos. I spent hundreds of hours learning about narcissism and codependency, however I still did not feel any better. Until one day my friend suggested energy healing, I had tried therapy, but it wasn’t helping, I already knew I had “Daddy” issues but I didn’t know how to fix them. In one session of energy healing, I had released so much, that I left feeling like a weight had been lifted off me. From that moment I knew I had to learn how to do it, so I did. I became a Reiki Master and a Psychic. Knowing that people were suffering just like I was, I had to share my knowledge and my journey with others. Helping people heal, and feel better about themselves became my passion. I took my healing journey of 3 years and condensed into a 8 week healing journey, so other people could start feeling better without years of therapy.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?
So many manifestations have happened to me since I started this career. Healing myself and my energy has allowed me to magnetize things into my life. I manifested the exact house I live in now. I had moved states from NJ to NY and moved into a townhome in the town I went to high school. After my divorce I had to sell our house and rehome our dog. I had always promised my kids that we would get another dog, but I was renting and we weren’t allowed pets. After a year of living in the townhome, I knew I was ready to move into a house where we could have a pet. So, I started my manifesting rituals walking over to the development I wanted our new house in, and had my specific requirements of our new home. I had taken a generic picture of the house I wanted off google, on the smaller side, a yard, etc., and put it on my vision board. I had an idea which houses were coming up for rent, so I was focused on those. However, the pandemic hit, and nothing was on the market. So, I signed an extension on my lease, and just waited. To be honest, I started losing hope, but within in 2 days of losing hope, 5 houses came on the market. None of the ones I knew where coming up for rent. Someone had bought all 5 houses to rent them out. We went to see them, and the first one we looked at, we knew it was our house! It was everything I asked for, specifically even down to the price. Now this is where the story gets interesting. We moved into the house, and a month later my brother came up to visit, and I showed him my vision board with the house that looks just like the one we were living in. He made a comment that it looked just like mine. I told him that yes, they all look remarkably similar. He said, “No I think it’s exactly this one” so we went outside and compared the picture. It looked exactly the same. There was only one way to find out, I went to the computer and zoomed in on the number of the house that was on my vision board. Low and behold it was the number of the house I was living in. Without knowing it, the house that I put on my vison board 6 months prior, was the same house I moved into! Even though I knew the power of manifestation, my Mind was still blown!
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
When I first started my healing business, I made a mistake when I hosted a launch party for my monthly membership program. I had decorated my room, planned the whole night out, music, drinks, giveaways. I was so excited! The party started, and everyone was having such a good time, and then suddenly, I received a message that my live video was going to be shut down. I did not realize that I could not play music that wasn’t mine on social media.
So about 20 minutes into my launch party, we got shut down. I was extremely disappointed, but looking back now, I can laugh at this. Moving forward today, I am very aware of the music I use.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking back. So, you have to trust the dots will somehow connect in your future” ~Steve Jobs
I recently just heard this quote and it has now become my favorite! It makes so much sense, because the whole time I was going through my divorce and all the pain, I never understood why. I could not see it when I was in the moment. But looking back now, it all makes sense. I can connect the dots. I had to go through toxic relationships, my Dad leaving, the divorce for me to be exactly where I am right now. Without ALL of that, I would not be helping my clients heal their own lives and sharing my experiences with them, making them feel less alone.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Yes! I am working on writing a book teaching people all about their energy. Our energy holds our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. My book will help people realize that their energy is causing chaos in their lives and relationships and teach them how to fix it. I always knew I deserved better, but my energy was saying something quite different. Therefore, I kept attracting toxic people into my life. Understanding my energy and being able to release energy that was trapped around certain events in my life, is what changed how I felt about myself. Sharing this information with people who suffer with toxic relationships will help them realize it’s not them, it’s their energy. Once they release it they can bring in healthier relationships into their life.
Okay.
Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Can you tell us a bit about your experience going through a divorce, or helping someone who was going through a divorce? What did you learn about yourself during and after the experience? Do you feel comfortable sharing a story?
I am incredibly grateful that I went through a divorce. I would not be who I am if I had not. I was the most broken I had ever been, but I needed to be that broken so that I could build myself back up the right way. Through that time, I learned that I was holding onto so much pain from my childhood that I kept trying to find the love I did not have for myself in others.
Therefore, I would go above and beyond for my husband and accept things I should not have accepted. I was always trying to make him happy so that I would feel loved. I did not see my Dad for nine years starting when I was about 10 years old. This caused me to believe that I was not enough. If I were enough, he would have stayed or fought to see me. However, as that young girl, I did not know this is what I thought. I was just furious about the whole situation. Since that day, I started seeking validation and love outside of myself to feel good enough. Through my divorce, I was forced to look at all of this during my healing journey. Now I have the love within myself, and I do not need others to validate that I am enough; I already know I am.
In your opinion, what are the most common mistakes people make after they go through a divorce? What can be done to avoid that?
The first most common mistake that people make after going through a divorce is getting into another relationship right away. In a 2013 survey, they found over 9 million Americans had been married three times. This is most likely because they jump into another relationship right away, and it is usually not with the right person. After a divorce, they need time to find themselves again, but many people are looking to fill a void because of the pain they feel. They can avoid this by giving themselves time to grieve. Divorce is the death of a marriage. Give yourself time to process it, and understand what went wrong in the first place, so it does not happen again.
The second most common mistake people make after a divorce is blaming their spouse and not healing themselves. I see it all the time. People resist healing. I get it; I was there. It is not fun work. However, it is the best work you will ever do. Many people go to therapy to get help processing the divorce but not realizing there is something that lead to their divorce. Some part of that divorce was their fault; if they look hard, they will see that. Some examples of this are ignoring red flags, staying in the relationship too long, not setting appropriate boundaries, or always giving too much of themselves. Yet a lot of the time, we blame the other person and forget about the part we played in the marriage.
People generally label “divorce” as being “negative”. And yes, while there are downsides, there can also be a lot of positive that comes out of it as well. What would you say that they are? Can you share an example or share a story?
The positive side of divorce is rebirth! You get to start over, and as scary as it sounds when it first happens, you can have a much better life if you allow yourself to. When my divorce happened, I thought everything was over. My husband had just reached top pay in his job, which we had been waiting six years for. Top pay meant we were finally okay, I did not have to work as much, and things were about to get more comfortable for us financially. Which I thought meant our marriage would get better, without all the stress. Well, two weeks after he hit top pay, our marriage fell apart in one night; after years of fighting for it, one night is all it took.
To me, it was like someone took a baseball bat and brought me to my knees. I felt like everything I had been waiting for, everything I was excited for, was taken away in one night. I was all on my own and had to make it work for the sake of my kids. I had to sell my home and rehome my dog to move into an apartment I could afford. At this time, I could never imagine having what I was going to have when I was married. Yet three years later, I have more than I could have had in that marriage. I have a beautiful home, a fantastic dog, my kids are happy, and I make more money now than ever before. I am a completely different person; my anxiety is gone, my confidence is up, and I don’t seek validation outside of myself anymore. I could never have imagined back then that I could thrive after my divorce, but I did, and I keep continuing to do so.
Some people are scared to ‘get back out there’ and date again after being with their former spouse for many years and hearing dating horror stories. What would you say to motivate someone to get back out there and start a new beginning?
Oh boy, I could share some horror stories with you too, but that should not stop you from having a new beginning of love. My best advice is to make sure you are ready. I teach my clients that they are ready when you love your life so much being by yourself that you won’t settle for anything less than you deserve. If you are at a place that you have healed and want a partner to share your life with, you are ready. You deserve the love you want, and when you are ready, you will make sure it’s with the right person.
What is the one thing people going through a divorce should be open to changing?
Themselves. Take the time to find yourself again. What do you like to do? For many years you were with someone, maybe had kids, and lived your life for other people. After a divorce, you should try new things and discover who you are at this point in your life. I guarantee it is not who you were in the marriage.
Okay, here is the main question of our discussion. If you had a close friend come to you for advice after a divorce, what are 5 things you would advise in order to survive and thrive after the divorce? Can you please give a story or example for each?
5 Things I would advise in order to survive and thrive after a divorce.
- Learn about narcissism & codependency.
Even if you think you know what these two words mean, like me, you probably have it all wrong. Diving deep into the process a narcissist brings you through will blow your mind, especially if you have been married to one. Things will start to make sense, and your whole life will be a lot clearer.
- Stop focusing on your ex. My ex was with someone a week after we broke up, and I focused on him and her for way too long. Why was she better than me, what were they doing, how could he do this to me? Staying in these thoughts only hurt me more. I had to start asking better questions. Why did I marry someone like that, why did I stay for so long, etc.? I had to focus on myself and heal the parts of me that led to the divorce.
- Get out of the victim mentality as quickly as possible. The longer you sit in the “poor me” thinking, the longer you will suffer. Allow yourself time to grieve, but after a few weeks or months, start taking your power back and realize you have control over your future.
- Focus on you. Take care of yourself; if you are good, then your kids will be good. You have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help others. This is not selfish, it’s survival.
- Start Energy healing right away. After years of therapy, energy healing helped me feel better right away. It lifted burdens from me that I had been carrying from the age of 10. It was the only thing that helped me heal and become who I am today.
The stress of a divorce can take a toll on both one’s mental and emotional health. In your opinion or experience, what are a few things people going through a divorce can do to alleviate this pain and anguish?
A few things you can do to alleviate the pain:
- Energy Healing is excellent for alleviating the pain and anguish of divorce. You leave a session feeling lighter and relaxed. Energy healing was a gamechanger for me.
- Eliminate your alcohol or drug intake, I know this seems counter-intuitive, but this will only cause you to suffer longer and cause you to make poor decisions.
- Journaling is an excellent way to get your feelings out. Writing letters to your ex, with everything you want to say, then burn the letter, especially on a full moon night. You will feel liberated!
- Detach from your ex, limit your contact, and make sure to stop following anyone that is associated with them, so you are not frequently seeing them in your feed.
- Give yourself time to process and feel the feelings. It’s okay to get mad, cry, laugh all within a few minutes. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve a marriage. There is also no time limit.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Few books that helped me through my divorce were:
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle~ This book changed everything for me. It taught me how to look at things differently and that what I thought was not valid.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie~ This book made me realize that I had to change myself to be happy and stop seeking validation and love outside of myself.
Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
A movement I would inspire is the “Let it Go” movement. This movement would teach people the 5 steps of my let it go method I use in my From Pain to Power healing program. It allows you to release the energy around childhood trauma that causes chaos in your adult relationships. It also teaches you how to reprogram the limiting subconscious beliefs that hold you back in your life, such as I am not good enough. Teaching people how to shift their energy and change their way of thinking can change this world.
We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
I would love to have breakfast or lunch with Gabby Bernstein.
I love her work, and she inspires me every day to keep sharing my message. She has helped so many people shift their perspective and believe in the Universe’s power, and I am looking to do the same with the power of energy healing. Many people do not know about it, and I believe it can shift the way we deal with mental health. I would love to hear about how she did it.
Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!
Danielle Ingenito: 5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
